I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
