Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
