I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
