jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
