I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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