I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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