i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst