Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.