I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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