Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she told me i tasted like america
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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