Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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