DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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