he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
