i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
