I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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