Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
