I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
