I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
