Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
