T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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