So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
