dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
