Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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