I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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