she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
