he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
