"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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