I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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