I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
where are you?
Hypothermia
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
