in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
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