My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
