just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Two words: blizzard sex
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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