Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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