apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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