Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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