I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
