she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
