Can i not drive my cunt home
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
