I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
