I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
