It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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