dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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