I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
