I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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