Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
