His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
