Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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