he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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