Please, let me fuck your mom
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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