Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
