Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
