I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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