So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
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i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
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And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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