SEEEEXXX PLEASE
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
