I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
