i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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