he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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